I have always had difficulties, struggling since childhood with cognitive fatigue, dissociative anxiety, depression, and what I now recognise was very obviously ADHD though I have still yet to be formally diagnosed. My history is one of constant dismissal and minimising and gaslighting in the face of severe mental health issues. To this day I still struggle to put to words the way in which it tore up everything inside of me.
I had to completely break down and drop out of school before I saw any help at all and it came in the form of accusatory, blaming, punitive care that only mirrored the emotional abuse that had left me traumatised. Eventually, after going through several child and adolescent and young adult services, my psychiatrist discharged me with a referral to a PD clinic because she claimed they would have the best resources available to help me with my complex needs.
I went to the assessment with cautious optimism. I explained that my mental health and unique developmental needs had been neglected for my entire life. Explained that I was raw and sensitive to perceived attempts to gaslight me, to punish me, to blame me, because so much of my treatment had been harmful in blaming me when the same repeated therapies were not effective. Explained the disdainful way my childhood doctor treated me when my parents brought me in for developmental issues.
The person assessing me responded by asking me "what role do you think you played?"
Having been explaining a gross history of emotional abuse, of gaslighting and neglectful care, I was taken aback by the question. I was extremely cautious of victim blaming. I asked her to clarify.
"What do you think you brought to these relationships?"
I couldn't answer her. I felt I had pretty clearly laid out the role I played, which was a neglected child turned neglected adult in the face of professionals who hold a position of power over me and a duty of care.
When I received the letter rejecting me from services, something I was long used to for being "too complicated" or "too sick for treatment", it was one of the most tone deaf and upsetting rejections I'd gotten.
The diagnosis rings hollow. A broad stroke of not meeting diagnostic criteria for any specific PD but by combining the contradictory categories of borderline and narcissism, sprinkling on avoidance, they can achieve the same thing that CAMHS did by just labeling me with "depression" and not looking any deeper. Even though it is widely agreed that CAMHS is pretty garbage the framing of the situation is on what I did to invite neglect, to invite repeated and persistent gaslighting. It obscures the unequal balance of power.
What does a six year old bring to a relationship with their doctor when he tells your parents you're just being naughty and melodramatic, when you are in a constant state of incredible distress and brain fog?
What does a fifteen year old bring to a relationship with their psychiatrist who held them "voluntarily" in hospital against their will as retaliation for complaining about mistreatment, there for weeks under threat of sending you somewhere worse before filing for an unnecessary section?
What do I, still not officially diagnosed with any actually relevant diagnosis beyond "depression (moderate)" and seeking help for my severely ill mental health, bring to a relationship with professionals who spent 50 minutes asking questions and then diagnose me with a vague but highly stigmatised disorder?
- Cleo (@narwhalsaurus)
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