TW for self harm, attempted suicide, sectioning
I have been under a CMHT since 2015 where I was originally diagnosed with dysthymia and told a referral for psychology will be done. In 2016 they made a provisional diagnosis of BPD but needed to chat with the consultant. She phoned me back later that day saying the consultant agrees and can I come in and complete a questionnaire. Two weeks later I do the questionnaire and then get a phone call saying the consultant says he doesn't actually agree that I have BPD as I don't fulfill the anger criteria. The diagnosis is removed.
I then fall pregnant in August 2016 with my son S ( 23 months) my mental health became extremely stable and upon clinic review in January I was discharged from services with a diagnosis of a anxiety disorder.
Around 28 weeks pregnant my mood dropped.i was started on setraline and remained stable.
My son was born and I was fine until he was 8 weeks old. My mood became very low and I began hearing voices for the first time. I was referred back to CMHT via my GP and commended back on aripiprazole. The dose Was gradually increased and I had to give up my breast feeding journey.
I was not really getting anywhere and in July I took myself to A&E in a desperate attempt to get some help. I waited over night and saw psychiatric liason who were amazing and referred me me to CRHT.
CRHT began visits. On an emergency night visit the member of staff said she wanted me to come into hospital and that someome would ring me with a bed. I was not offered a mother baby unit because I was not breastfeeding.
The phone call never came instead CRHT visited stating they were going to up my visits to twice a. Day. That never happened either. CRHT visited daily.
I was diagnosed with EUPD in July 2017 and a referral to the Brenchley unit was done
I was admitted to pinewood ward at my request but discharged myself as I was scared. They sent me for ' respite care' in the Hailey in Herne Bay.
CRHT visited me for over a month and discharge took place in August.
My mood then drastically slips again and I am referred back to CRHT.
I am sectioned under section 136 and offered a short admission or to go home with CRHT. I chose home.
In October I meet yet another new psychiatrist ( number 7 I think) and he requested that I need to be placed on a CPA pathway and that I possibly have an atypical type 2 rapid cycling bipolar disorder and commences me on lamotragine a mood stabiliser.
In November I see a new consultant and she confirms the diagnos of bipolar type 2.
December I am in crisis and I'm referred to CRHT. CRHT state no role for them. I see them around 3 or 4 times just that week and I am then admitted into rosewood lodge. I am discharged just bettor. Christmas.
January I am 136 for trying to climb on to the motorway. I am admitted to pinewood ward.
Febuary I am admitted to upnor ward after a small overdose.
A few weeks later I have my bipolar diagnos removed.
I am then stable until June. I have an episode where I feel both high and low at once and extremely agitated. I see my psychiatrist and I'm prescribed clonzepam. The clonzepam stops.and my mood becomes very high. It then crashes and my care coordinator begins to see me every other day. She then refers me to CRHT 21/06/18
CRHT commence daily visits 22/06/18.
Medicsl review at priority house on the 26/06/18 where to doctor drops my visits to ever other day without telling me and my partner.
On 2/7/18 I am 136 at Wateringbury level crossing in the early hours of the morning. I'm taken to A&E due to a fast heart rate and we wait about 12 hours for a 136 bed. I'm taken to littlebrook 136 suite. I'm assessed and sent home with the promise CRHT will visit daily.
I am then 136 on 8/7/18. I think my partner called the police this time. Discharged to CRHT after the MHA.
CRHT continue to visit and im discharged to CMHT on 13/7/18.
26/7/18 I see my care coordinator and I'm offered a place on the skills and support group.
31/7/18 my partner has a lengthy call with duty team who says i need reassing and it doesn't sound like i have EUPD.
3/8/18 duty worker refers me to CRHT.
4/8/18 CRHT tell me they are not the appropriate service and they discharge me.
5/8/18 I am 136 for taking an overdose in the woods. Discharged home.
6/8/18 my care coordinator places me on daily appointments as CRHT will not help me.
7/8/18 I see duty team at CMHT as care Co not available. He tells me that my life does not belong to me and is not my life to take. I walk out of CMHT and to the chemist then to Maidstone east train station. I take an overdose on the platform with the plan to board the train and go somewhere and wait for the overdose to work. I am 136 in a police car outside the station. Taken to A&E and commenced on NAC treatment for 24 hours. The AMHP forces me Into accepting crisis team. She tells my partner they wanted to admit me but didn't because I have a PD.
11/8/18 I am picked up by BTP at Ashford International before I got on a train to Dover. I took another overdose on the first train and have blades in my pocket. I am treated appallingly by BTP including the use of restraints and handcuffs. In the MHA I am told to call the samaritans and endure to my symptoms until I see my psychiatrist.
13/8/18 I see my psychiatrist and she refers me to the crisis team. Crisis phone me and instead off assessing me have asked for a meeting at CMHT.
We have the meeting and it's basically CRHT saying they won't help.
20/8/18 I make it to the edge of Dover cliffs while being reported as a high risk Missing person. I take another overdose on the edge of the cliff. The cliffs are very busy and it prevented me from jumping. I voluntarily go back to Dover police station. I am then taken to the hospital and 136 in the police car on the motorway.
I have my MHA discharged to CRHT and a professionals meeting should be arranged.
23/8/18 CRHT discharge me stating that they are once again not the correct service.
29/8/18 I am 136 for taking a very large overdose and trying to jump off a bridge. I once again have NAC treatment. Discharged home.
3/9/18 I see my care Co and she requests a diagnosis review.
5/9/18 I see my care Co and they want me to consider admission.
7/9/18 there is a joint assessment with care Co and CRHT at CMHT. I'm accepted on to CRHT caseload for the weekend and given three zopiclone.
8/9/18 CRHT visit and consider stepping me up to twice daily visits.
10/9/18 CRHT discharge me to CMHT despite me trying to throw myself out a car at 50mph
12/9/18 I am 136 and admitted to upnor ward.
13/9/18 consultant discharged me home.
21/9/18 once again I am a high risk missing person and have overdosed. I am 136. We wait over 15 hours for a 136 bed.
I am discharged and enter an episode of hypomania.
27/9/18 I am 136 due to the hypomania. Referred to CRHT for medication management.
5/10/11 I see my psychiatrist. She will not remove the EUPD but said she will talk to psychology for further testing.
I was referred to the Brenchley unit in July 2017. I had my assement March 2018 and told potential start of May 2018 Then October 2018 then January 2019 and recently April 2019! I have not had any other forms of psychology offered.
31/12/18 I take another OD and place myself on live rails with trains running. I am 136 by the British transport police. Taken to A&E where i. Need 5 days of medical treatment. Am told if u leave I will be sectioned but as soon as medical treatment is done I'm sent home with no support.
3/01/19 my care Co leaves and I meet my new one.
11/01/19 I meet with my new care Co. He is very abrupt and and I told him I had no plans to be alive. He simply said see you next week.
14/01/19 I take another OD and am stood on the edge of a motorway bridge. Purely coincidental a police officer drives past and gets me off the bridge. I am 136 and taken to A&E for four days of medical treatment. Once again threatened with a section and sent home with no support. This time im told I've damaged my liver and 3 months on im still waiting for my gastro appointment and scan.
18/01/19 my after care is to see the duty team. I sit in cmht reception for nearly 2 hours and no one comes. I get frustrated and leave and they call the police.
22/01/19 there is a meeting. In attendence is my consultant, my care Co and my support worker. There is also the CMHT manager and the service manager for my area. Tensions are high and the meeting goes pretty badly. My care Co becomes aggressive and starts banging the table and shouting. I then refuse to work with him.
25/01/2019 I received a call from the service manager telling me the director of therapies for the trust has offered to see me and give me an extended psychology assement.
29/01/2019 I have my first two hour assessment.
11/02/2019 I walk into a psych appointment to find out that it's actually a CPA review and I meet my new care Co. The appointment is very positive and I feel like they might start to be accepting and listening.
12/02/2019 I have my second 2 hour assessment and she is starting to question if I even have a personality disorder!
13/02/2019 I have an appointment with my new care Co. She fails to recognise my risk as I presented ' calmly' I leave the appointment text my partner ' in done' and go to the pub. He calls the police and I end up having a meltdown and being 136.
However at the 136 suite I had the most understanding team you could wish for. They said I was acutely depressed and in acute crisis and that I'm dealing with complex trauma and not a PD presentation at all. I am discharged to CRHT.
20/02/2019 I am reviewed by CRHT consultant. He says I may disagree with him but I am not in crisis and he discharges me.
01/03/19 I am so so desperate to finally be at peace. I have my most serious attempt and it takes four police officers to save my life. Offered informal admission into hospital or CRHT. I choose CRHT. My brain was thinking why would I want to go into hospital if I want to die?
I then refuse CRHT input when I get home.
04/03/2019 I see my consultant at cmht. She said I had two options of admission and CRHT. I am still desperate to die so once again I take the CRHT route. I then once again talk my way out of CRHT input.
Since then I have mainly been recieving support from my psycholgist. The past few weeks she has been seeing me daily while I have so much on my plate. She has told the team at a professionals meeting that they are dealing with complex trauma.
The disregard and lack of care that comes with a PD diagnosis almost killed me.
Why is my life worth less to you because I don't fit in your box?
Why is my life worth less to you because of what people did to me?
Why is my life worth less?
By Lettie (twitter @letties_MH)
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