At the age of 17 I was registered blind due to a degenerative genetic disorder. Though this made life a little more difficult I completed my A-levels and went on to university. However age 20 I withdrew from my course due to ill health. Following this I was diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder and psychosis. Over the past nine years I have experienced some extremely challenging times, using self harm as a coping mechanism which regularly required hospital treatment. I have also attempted suicide approximately 20 times with a similar number of admissions to psychiatric wards.
Although I thought I would never overcome these barriers I am slowly realising that this is not true. Currently living in a rehabilitation facility, I have been accepted to return to college in September to study access to HE nursing to then complete mental health nursing degree, as well as being accepted to volunteer on a mental health ward in Manchester with one of my roles being facilitation of a creative writing group. There are many points of inspiration across my journey so far including people I met in Words they shared along the way. I would like to share with you some of my poetry in the hope that maybe someone you know could relate to any small part of it. I found great strength in knowing that I am not alone and I hope that I can reach people in a similar situation and realise the same and to carry on fighting as you will discover many reasons for which life is worth living.
Lifeless
I slump in my seat
Wipe my tears on my sleeve
The emptiness within me continues to breed
My lungs fail to inflate, no air enters or leaves
I trust nobody the truth no longer exists
To offer entry to my heart seems too great a risk
Reckless are my actions inhibitions disappear
Suffocated by the contents of the atmosphere
My mind is chaotic and over populated my response and your words rarely are equated
Immensely sorry for the burdens of my personality
Consequence of my continued mental infirmity
Any glimpse of light rapidly fading away
Can’t bear this anymore must meet my end today
Not in our remit
Can I ask why you behaved in this way
When ask if you’re okay why did you fail to say
That your desire to be living is beginning to stray
Take a seat in that room
Someone will be with you soon
When your body proves unharmed from the pills you have consumed
Can’t locate the results from blood taken some time ago
I searched the files but your name failed to show
A male allocated to the room you occupy
Unsure of who noted this data or the reason why
You left the hospital before the doctor treated you
The story that you told differs from that of the ambulance crew
Mental health team unaware that you’re in the hospital
Until that is completed our help is not possible
You are coping well managing your condition
And remember we are always here to listen
Sunrise
Known are my strengths and limitations
Fuel for this journey is my determination
I embraced the day with my increased mental acuity
Armed with my skills leap into the community
Descriptors on my skin and anecdotes from troubled times
“my escape from the torture in my mind
I know I will not stand tall for eternity
But Returning to my feet is a certainty
Some people might try to make my strength shrink
But my desire to help people erasers what they might think
I try therefore there is a chance I may succeed
Battling with impediments to which I am aggrieved
Neither a name nor a number defined only by my heart
Which has no capacity for ridiculing remarks
Years of practice have perfected the smile I display
Now a reflection from within not an image I portray
Sarah
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